“When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
As a worldly American, I feel quite lucky to have attained a mindset of taking the best from each country I visit and of caring about people of all nations, races, religions, genders and sexual orientations. As a native Kentuckian, I would even say that my kind is quite rare on the international stage.
But even with my genuine open-mindedness and deep care for all kinds of people, nothing has knocked me off my game more than the US election results last week.
The values displayed by most Americans this past week have shown themselves to be 180 degrees from my own. For this reason, for me the “race” which just ended was not about mere politics. It stopped being about politics as soon as Mr. Trump publicly and cruelly mocked an intellectually disabled person in 2016 – and never apologized for that and other atrocities.
It’s morality that has been at stake. And this, now more than ever.
According to Richard Barrette, Founder of Barrett Values Center, values are the “energetic drivers of our aspirations and intentions.” They are at the heart of why we do what we do. That so many of my compatriots actually want hate to be the lens through which public policy is made saddens me deeply.
It also scares the bejeebies out of me, but that is perhaps another story.
And even as powerless as I am in this post-election moment, one thing is for sure: I still have a choice. I can stay stuck in my despair for the world’s well-being, or I can move forward by understanding what the learning in all this mess might be for me.
Am I a Happy Camper that in this immediate moment the only real choice available to me is to look at how I can grow through this? Heck no! In fact, I quite hate that I can do nothing else, nothing at all in this moment to help those who are terrified for their lives, their families and their wellbeing. I deeply wish I could do more.
And I will.
But in this precise moment, I get to make a choice that will either help or hinder things. I can stay stuck in the upset, or I can look for the set up for growth.
Look for the Learning
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—
to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
– Viktor Frankl
When it comes to seeking the meaning in what is happening during challenging times, Dr. Shilagh Mirgain of the University of Wisconsin agrees. In the April 7, 2020 UW School of Medicine and Public Health article entitled “The Surprising Benefit of Going Through Hard Times,” she cites the “choice in how we respond to difficult times. We can shut down emotionally and let ourselves become hardened by it, or we can grow from the experience.”
Psychologist Dr. Jason N. Linder also supports this idea. In his April 1, 2024 Psychology Today article “Why Hard Times are Crucial,” he maintains “Getting beat up by life—periodically, of course, with some time in between to recover—may just save your life. Hard times can strengthen us, and when we’re strong, it increases our capacity to celebrate and enjoy our lives.”
Proof in Numbers: How Hard Times Foster Positive Change
Getting laid off at work, for example, can cause psychological and physical stress and can even be traumatic for many of us. When we can stay resilient, we are better able to cope with our new employment situation, stay positive and even discover new talents or dreams we never realized before.
Through this process of moving from the shock of hearing unwanted news to acceptance of a new reality to a new understanding of ourselves, therefore, a new version of ourselves can be born.
Grow from Difficult Periods
In fact, there are actually a few phrases describing the personal growth that comes from experiencing a crisis. Post-traumatic growth, aptly named, is one of them. Another phrase is Dr. Mirgain’s: the Phoenix Phenomenon – indicating a new life arising from the remains of the previous way of being.
In the September 19, 2024, Fast Company article “Embracing the Grind: Leading Teams Through Tough Times,” Shane Jackson, president of Jackson Healthcare and the author of Fostering Culture: A Leader’s Guide to Purposefully Shaping Culture brings in a third phrase “embracing the grind.” Such term comes from athletes and describes the admirable dedication, strict discipline, and positive mindset it takes to compete consistently at high levels. At that level, the only way to achieve greatness is through the good ole fashioned grind of hard work of training day in and day out, week after week after week, month after month. Through the “darkness” of their grind, they get to the bright light of fame.
“Whether all is really lost or not depends entirely on whether or not I am lost.”
– Vaclav Havel
Whether our preference is to call it post-traumatic growth, the Phoenix Phenomenon, embracing the grind or very simply “this freaking difficult period,” there are some ways we can help ourselves and our teams get to the other side of hard times. And, in so doing, become stronger and more inspirational versions of ourselves.
Here are some ideas:
1. Prioritize Self-Care
Exquisite self-care becomes a must during challenging periods. Taking great care of ourselves is one thing we have control over, and we can at least feel good about doing our best to take care of our self. Some ways to do this are to be vigilant about having abundant rest, eating even healthier meals and moving our bodies in ways that feel good. We can also start working toward new goals and dreams. Small daily action steps can give us that sense of purpose and structure that we need. Remembering to reach out for extra support during this difficult time is also essential. Not only does self-care feel good, it’s also productive. Through it, we have greater access to our right brain where creativity and intuition, two very important tools for evolving into that better version of ourselves, can be accessed.
2. Feel Your Feelings
Too often, we want to skip over the messiness of our feelings. And many people do just that. Many men, for example, were taught that “real men don’t cry”. (Bollocks!) As Dr. Mirrgain writes, “When we try to bury our feelings, it can actually cause them to become even stronger in the future and prevent us from moving beyond the distressing emotions.” If we want freedom and growth, starting a practice of feeling our feelings in ways that work for us. Journaling, crying, hitting a pillow, swimming or painting are some ways to do that. The main thing is to give ourselves permission to have whatever feelings are coming up and then to express them in a healthy way.
3. Reflect On How You Have Grown Through Other Hard Times
It can be tempting to get caught up in the heat of the moment and catastrophize that the current “unbearable” situation will go on forever. And, indeed, it can seem like that at times…Four years with such a personality in the Oval Office feels like an eternity!! But when we can remember other times when we struggled and then grew stronger thanks to what we endured, we can gain hope and perspective. The inspiring Founder of my coaching school, Juio Olalla says “we coach form our wounds.” In other words, the pains of our past can help us to be more compassionate and aware of other people’s pain. I believe I am a much more impactful coach thanks to the suffering of my past. As is often the case, there is indeed a deeper meaning to trying periods.
4. Recognize the Growth Opportunity in this Upset
Now that we have identified our learnings from other challenging times, the next natural step is to do the same for what we are now going through. This is never to discount our current experience, only to highlight that there is also (usually) an even bigger narrative at play. As the “Balcony & Dance” model of Harvard’s Dr. Ron Heifitz’s denotes, all while being in the “dance” of our current experience, we can simultaneously step onto the “balcony” of the same by noticing patterns and over-arching themes. In this way, we can derive greater meaning form our current experience – however unpleasant.
5. Step More Fully Into those Values which Mean the Most to You
For many of us, after having gotten on the balcony of current and past difficult times, we also come to better understand what is most important to us – our values. For example, through this election outcome which I perceive as an upset, I get to see more clearly that fairness and equality are very important values for me. So, while I can do nothing today to change who will be president in two short months (gasp), I can re-evaluate my own choices to ensure I lead more fully from a place of fairness and equality. This is indeed one of the growth opportunities for me at this time. If we are open to growth, we, too, can find the ways where our own values can be lived in a deeper and fuller way.
6. Notice Your Strengthened Relationship With Yourself and Others
It’s an amazing phenomenon that the more we align with our own values, the more connected with ourselves we become. We become more aware of when we are out of integrity with ourselves, the kinds of activities which are most inspiring to us and the people who help us to feel the most positive and empowered. By becoming better friends to ourselves in this way, we also strengthen our relationships with others. Hard times at work can invite us to shift more of our daily focus to what really matters. As a result, we might leave on time more often or work from home an extra day so we can have more time with our children. None of us can give what we don’t have, so by building the integrity and honesty muscles with ourselves, we simultaneously do that with the people we encounter. It’s a win-win!
7. Celebrate this New, Up-leveled You!
Growth can be messy. It’s rarely straight line. Rather, it’s down, around, upside down and back again – all before we arrive at a brand-new point with ourselves. Being open to enduring that process alone is enough for a celebration! But even more poignantly, once we arrive at that new understanding of ourselves and our place in the world, we have successfully undergone a transformation. Just like the butterfly who has evolved from the caterpillar, we can never again go back and take on that former mindset. It’s over and done with. We have succeeded in becoming a newer, freer version of ourselves. And that deserves some serious fist pumps!
Fun fact: While these seven steps are listed as ways to grow from difficult periods, they are great steps to live by overall! Caring exquisitely for ourselves, feeling our feels, taking stock of the higher-level meaning of our experiences, doing a values check on ourselves, getting closer to ourselves and others and celebrating all we are becoming is a FANTASTIC formula for living! It keeps us in kindness mode to ourselves and others all while being accountable for our own experience while we are here on this planet.
And while they will not make the pain go away, they do provide us a new set of tools for thriving (rather than merely surviving) despite our woes…like who happens to be sitting in the White House.
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